dedicated to yihui:

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'

W hy did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

the cop pulls me over and asks if I realized that I had just run a redlight. So I said that I did not see the light as being red, because it must have blue-shifted as i was approaching it.

Why do all the other subatomic particles have a love/hate relationship with
the quarks? Because they are both strange and charming at the same time.

"Do you have any books on electricity?"
Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the
subject. Wire you asking?" (Ken Elrod)

If Sound does not travel in a vacuum then Why is a vacuum so noisy?

I do not know what is wrong with Heisenberg. He seems so sure of himself
lately.
-- Sydney Harris Cartoon

Why did Schrodinger sign his name this way?

..
o
r d
h i
c n
S g
e
r


Because the dots over the "o" are actually a lone pair!

"Heisenberg was an unfortunate fellow; he knew *exactly* how fast his
car keys were going."

Twinkle twinkle little star
I know exactly where you are
I've studied your size and I've measured your mass
You're not a diamond you're just hydrogen gas

Her voice is so high it's absurd
It's so shrill that you can't hear a word
When she's something to say
She starts running away
So the pitch drops enough to be heard

"Absolutely," Kelvin said temperately, as he zeroed in on the
answer. (James Ertner )

Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"

Did you hear about the French post-doc who went to work at the Fermi Lab,
but never went in because the sign over the door always said it was closed.
(Fermi = close)